Reflect light into darkness
Or in this life I try
It is an obvious weakness
To my transient mind
Take on my position
Behind a glassy wall
Immediately I begin to stumble
Beneath me where you crawl
Digging even deeper
Caked and cut with dirt
I must wash my hands completely
Of every speck of hurt
I cannot find an angle
To light up where you are
Turn the glass in my direction
To see my venture scars
Man I'm rusty but it still feels good.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Evolution
Shoulders back. Chin up.
This is the pose of confidence that my grandmother taught me. However, when your shoulders have slumped and your neck is used to nodding and leaning from listening to the endless stream of what others have to say, executing this pose can feel unnatural, like someone is trying to pull you up by your hair.
Respect your elders, because they have the experience. This pose not only opens you up and makes you appear confident, but since you appear confident it makes you feel more confident. Just like I learned that doing my hair makes me feel prettier, smiling at myself in the mirror will usually make me laugh, and taking on an upbeat voice on the phone at work makes even the most disgruntled tenants chill out a little bit.
Is this fake? What is the most natural human state? My answer to this question is ever evolving. I don't think that you can call changing fake, or positivity deceptive. Ever seeking truth, knowledge and happiness. Sharing the experience. Peeling back the layers.
OK, back to my potato chips and ice tea, all smiles for me!
This is the pose of confidence that my grandmother taught me. However, when your shoulders have slumped and your neck is used to nodding and leaning from listening to the endless stream of what others have to say, executing this pose can feel unnatural, like someone is trying to pull you up by your hair.
Respect your elders, because they have the experience. This pose not only opens you up and makes you appear confident, but since you appear confident it makes you feel more confident. Just like I learned that doing my hair makes me feel prettier, smiling at myself in the mirror will usually make me laugh, and taking on an upbeat voice on the phone at work makes even the most disgruntled tenants chill out a little bit.
Is this fake? What is the most natural human state? My answer to this question is ever evolving. I don't think that you can call changing fake, or positivity deceptive. Ever seeking truth, knowledge and happiness. Sharing the experience. Peeling back the layers.
OK, back to my potato chips and ice tea, all smiles for me!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Unforeseen
Here I am invisible
I have ceased to feel
Endurance featuring the divisible
One posture makes it real
Here I am nothing
It's all I can do to close my eyes
Against withstanding drifting
Prove my hushed demise
Maybe I am invincible
Maybe I am unforeseen
I have ceased to feel
Endurance featuring the divisible
One posture makes it real
Here I am nothing
It's all I can do to close my eyes
Against withstanding drifting
Prove my hushed demise
Maybe I am invincible
Maybe I am unforeseen
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Dozing
I feel someone sit down next to me.
"Wake up, you need to go home..."
My temper immediately flares and in a flash my surroundings have been surveyed. I'm safe.
"Mmmgrrrrr..." I glance up at the clock and roll over in protest. I really should have left about an hour and a half ago, but who's going to miss me.
"Seriously, I know you're a bear, I remember you're a bear, get up."
I roll back over. We get into a choppy back and forth about what he remembers. Have I always been this way? I must respect this friend for what he can tell me about myself, no matter how badly instinct wants to rip him limb from limb. It will pass. I will probably tell him a thing or two about himself one of these days when I can clean up my mental state. It is just nice to be in each other's company. In fact I can say a couple of things, I do not know many people who are as serene and respectful.
I get up, collect my backpack, borrow a sweatshirt, bid a fond farewell and hop in the car. I can't believe how tired I am. When I was an undergraduate I once read that driving while drowsy is worse than driving while drunk. I would consider my driving adventures between Charleston and Homer around midnight for the past few weeks to be living proof of this theory.
I start dialing, somebody, anybody be awake. Of course I know which friends are generally awake, which are hit or miss, and which, so help me God, if I call them in the middle of the night are going to curse me into oblivion at an unreasonably early hour in the morning. My fellow bears.
No one answers from the generally awake category, so I start the hit or miss. I feel bad about the possibility of waking someone who is enjoying a full 8 hours, so I stop. What a lonely feeling, driving down these roads, no other cars, no people, no one to talk to. Speeding. Occasionally swerving (to avoid possums of course).
I begin singing to myself to stay awake. "It's no-ones fault, it's nobody's fault, that I fell on you and you on me, that's what humans do, when they pass on through, but I think we can't, don't you? ...No of course you don't! Of course you don't! You say life is peachy without me! Of course you don't! Of course you don't! You say life is peachy without me..."
BOREDOM. That's what all of this running around has done to me, I am now bored whenever there is nothing happening. No one to talk to, nothing to do but go home and go to bed. I must re-learn the art of doing nothing. Quit stirring, quit stalking, do nothing. Shut off the computer, put up the phone, pick up a book, a crochet hook, anything... the only requirement is that it needs to be solitary. OK, the dogs can come, but no people. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but reaching for them so much is making me scarily dependent on attaining their attention for my happiness and peace of mind.
I need my own peace of mind.
"Wake up, you need to go home..."
My temper immediately flares and in a flash my surroundings have been surveyed. I'm safe.
"Mmmgrrrrr..." I glance up at the clock and roll over in protest. I really should have left about an hour and a half ago, but who's going to miss me.
"Seriously, I know you're a bear, I remember you're a bear, get up."
I roll back over. We get into a choppy back and forth about what he remembers. Have I always been this way? I must respect this friend for what he can tell me about myself, no matter how badly instinct wants to rip him limb from limb. It will pass. I will probably tell him a thing or two about himself one of these days when I can clean up my mental state. It is just nice to be in each other's company. In fact I can say a couple of things, I do not know many people who are as serene and respectful.
I get up, collect my backpack, borrow a sweatshirt, bid a fond farewell and hop in the car. I can't believe how tired I am. When I was an undergraduate I once read that driving while drowsy is worse than driving while drunk. I would consider my driving adventures between Charleston and Homer around midnight for the past few weeks to be living proof of this theory.
I start dialing, somebody, anybody be awake. Of course I know which friends are generally awake, which are hit or miss, and which, so help me God, if I call them in the middle of the night are going to curse me into oblivion at an unreasonably early hour in the morning. My fellow bears.
No one answers from the generally awake category, so I start the hit or miss. I feel bad about the possibility of waking someone who is enjoying a full 8 hours, so I stop. What a lonely feeling, driving down these roads, no other cars, no people, no one to talk to. Speeding. Occasionally swerving (to avoid possums of course).
I begin singing to myself to stay awake. "It's no-ones fault, it's nobody's fault, that I fell on you and you on me, that's what humans do, when they pass on through, but I think we can't, don't you? ...No of course you don't! Of course you don't! You say life is peachy without me! Of course you don't! Of course you don't! You say life is peachy without me..."
BOREDOM. That's what all of this running around has done to me, I am now bored whenever there is nothing happening. No one to talk to, nothing to do but go home and go to bed. I must re-learn the art of doing nothing. Quit stirring, quit stalking, do nothing. Shut off the computer, put up the phone, pick up a book, a crochet hook, anything... the only requirement is that it needs to be solitary. OK, the dogs can come, but no people. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but reaching for them so much is making me scarily dependent on attaining their attention for my happiness and peace of mind.
I need my own peace of mind.
Friday, October 23, 2009
On a Cold Autumn Night
It is so cold. My heater quit sometime during the night, so at 3:45am I get up to cover my dogs. Once they are "tucked in" I get into bed and begin building a nest of pillows and throw my sheets and comforter as far over my head as I can and curl into a tight ball. It is nights like this when I genuinely miss the feeling of someone beside me. Someone to curl around me, envelope me in love.
Tonight it is just me though. I have taken care of my own, and taken care of myself. For the first time since it all started, I can't say that I am blissful, but I am content. Life is a series of moments, ones that make us happy, and ones that make us miserable. I am glad that I have the memory of tenderness. I know I have to get over the moments that made me miserable to get to the next place in my life, but how hard should that have to be? How do you balance the moments of happiness with the moments of pain to realize what is best for you and do the right thing?
I know I am not done making mistakes, but I also know that I will never be done learning about myself, this world and these moments.
Tonight it is just me though. I have taken care of my own, and taken care of myself. For the first time since it all started, I can't say that I am blissful, but I am content. Life is a series of moments, ones that make us happy, and ones that make us miserable. I am glad that I have the memory of tenderness. I know I have to get over the moments that made me miserable to get to the next place in my life, but how hard should that have to be? How do you balance the moments of happiness with the moments of pain to realize what is best for you and do the right thing?
I know I am not done making mistakes, but I also know that I will never be done learning about myself, this world and these moments.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Turning Down The Furnace
Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, then it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive, motivation, and creative energy. Alternatively, the dream may be warning you of your dangerous or risky activities. You are literally "playing with fire".
To see a furnace in your dream, symbolizes power and energy.
To see the color burgundy in your dream, symbolizes wealth, success, and prosperity. It is indicative of your potential power.
Orange denotes hope, friendliness, courtesy, lively, sociability, and an out-going nature. You may want to expand your horizons and look into new interests.
Peach is the color of innocent love intermixed with wisdom.
Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.
To see your bed in your dream, represents your intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. If you are sleeping in your own bed, then it denotes security and restoration of your mind. You may be looking for domestic bliss, for peace or for some form of escape.
dreammoods.com
To see a furnace in your dream, symbolizes power and energy.
To see the color burgundy in your dream, symbolizes wealth, success, and prosperity. It is indicative of your potential power.
Orange denotes hope, friendliness, courtesy, lively, sociability, and an out-going nature. You may want to expand your horizons and look into new interests.
Peach is the color of innocent love intermixed with wisdom.
Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.
To see your bed in your dream, represents your intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. If you are sleeping in your own bed, then it denotes security and restoration of your mind. You may be looking for domestic bliss, for peace or for some form of escape.
dreammoods.com
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Semi-Charmed Life
Life changes everyday, but I cannot believe how radically different things are.
Last night I came home with soybeans in my clothes and smelling like diesel fuel. You would think that growing up in the middle of corn and bean fields that I would've had the full experience, but no. It is so simple, and yet so awesome.
This morning I woke up with field dust in my sinuses, but looking in the mirror I am beginning to see the depth. In my eyes, in my skin, my hair, my hands & feet... I hadn't stopped to notice in so long. I realize that I am not the mainstream epitome of beauty, but there is more to me. There is more to life and relationships and people than what I believe that I have previously given credit for.
Each day I am waking up happier than I was the day before. Sometimes it's subtle, sometimes it blows me away, but I am living the best life I know how each day.
Last night I came home with soybeans in my clothes and smelling like diesel fuel. You would think that growing up in the middle of corn and bean fields that I would've had the full experience, but no. It is so simple, and yet so awesome.
This morning I woke up with field dust in my sinuses, but looking in the mirror I am beginning to see the depth. In my eyes, in my skin, my hair, my hands & feet... I hadn't stopped to notice in so long. I realize that I am not the mainstream epitome of beauty, but there is more to me. There is more to life and relationships and people than what I believe that I have previously given credit for.
Each day I am waking up happier than I was the day before. Sometimes it's subtle, sometimes it blows me away, but I am living the best life I know how each day.
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