... Epic Fail!

Shortly after that last blog was constructed, my world shot into chaos.

Someone broke into my car and stole my backpack, including my final project for school, medical documents, tax documents, make-up, my ipod, medicine... oh yeah, and did I mention broke the passenger side glass window?? PEOPLE!!

Then there was yesterday, which was my fault, I rear ended some poor young UIUC student's car. She cried, I felt like the meanest person in the world, but hopefully insurance treats her well. I hit my head on my steering wheel, twisted my arm and re-injured my rear end. Lovely.

Whine, whine, whine... it is so severly hard to look at the bright side sometimes. Try as I might, I feel stagnant, I feel slightly hopeless. It is so hard to do this whole life thing on my own. I'm glad I have the support that I do have, but it still feels like there is this gaping hole in my life. I'm trying hard to fill it with truth, health, things I can handle, promises I can keep. Things I want for myself... but one of the things I want is to share. To admire and be admired.

All right, ok, on the bright side, this weekend we are going to see Naptown in Indy, me and some of my new roller derby pals. New... I guess we've been together over a month now!! I do love it... I'm just ready for some serious s8ing and training! It's about time to start knocking bitches out!!!

Epic

I have been working on a short story since about November 10th, and although I hate to pry myself away from working on it, it has occurred to me that it is time for a good old fashioned update.

So, like I said I have been working on this story regularly, but other than that I've been pretty chill. I recently became involved with a grassroots roller derby team, the C-U Rollers, and last night was seriously my first night back on skates since summer of '08. I did really well, and only busted my butt once after a little kid skidded in front of me. My butt literally took the total force of the impact, so much that the pain shot right up my spine and straight into my head. This is not going to be for the faint of heart, and I just hope that in the future my feet don't shoot into the air like that. Ideally both skates will be planted on the rink, but if I've got to take a spill, I'll take rink burn over bruising the money maker any day.

I have finished reading "The Botany of Desire" by Michael Pollan in the nick of time to begin my Christmas reading. It was an excellent book for anyone interested in the interdependent relationship between plants and us. It focuses mainly on the history of the tulip (beauty), apple (sweetness), cannabis (intoxication), and potato (control over food supply). Good stuff. Now my Christmas reading has been the same for the past several years, Fannie Flagg's "A Redbird Christmas". I adore this story, and although I am a little down on the holidays this year, I am still going to enjoy my holiday favorites... namely this book, Family Stone, Snoopy and Garfield, and I might even bust the tree out, I don't know. Something tells me that between dad and grandma someone is going to make me, so I better just get used to the idea.

For anyone still reading school and work are going really well. I love my boss and have really grown to like my professor and the subject matter of my class (diversity) is proving to be more valuable than how I thought it was originally being presented. This spring I have signed up for another Tuesday night class, dealing with exceptionality in the educational setting and across the lifespan. I'm really excited and getting into it!!

All right, wrapping it up, I'm going to go get my nails done!!!! (JOY!! It's the first time since last year!!!)

Venturing Glass

Reflect light into darkness
Or in this life I try
It is an obvious weakness
To my transient mind

Take on my position
Behind a glassy wall
Immediately I begin to stumble
Beneath me where you crawl

Digging even deeper
Caked and cut with dirt
I must wash my hands completely
Of every speck of hurt

I cannot find an angle
To light up where you are
Turn the glass in my direction
To see my venture scars

Man I'm rusty but it still feels good.

Evolution

Shoulders back. Chin up.

This is the pose of confidence that my grandmother taught me. However, when your shoulders have slumped and your neck is used to nodding and leaning from listening to the endless stream of what others have to say, executing this pose can feel unnatural, like someone is trying to pull you up by your hair.

Respect your elders, because they have the experience. This pose not only opens you up and makes you appear confident, but since you appear confident it makes you feel more confident. Just like I learned that doing my hair makes me feel prettier, smiling at myself in the mirror will usually make me laugh, and taking on an upbeat voice on the phone at work makes even the most disgruntled tenants chill out a little bit.

Is this fake? What is the most natural human state? My answer to this question is ever evolving. I don't think that you can call changing fake, or positivity deceptive. Ever seeking truth, knowledge and happiness. Sharing the experience. Peeling back the layers.

OK, back to my potato chips and ice tea, all smiles for me!

Unforeseen

Here I am invisible
I have ceased to feel
Endurance featuring the divisible
One posture makes it real

Here I am nothing
It's all I can do to close my eyes
Against withstanding drifting
Prove my hushed demise

Maybe I am invincible
Maybe I am unforeseen

Dozing

I feel someone sit down next to me.

"Wake up, you need to go home..."

My temper immediately flares and in a flash my surroundings have been surveyed. I'm safe.

"Mmmgrrrrr..." I glance up at the clock and roll over in protest. I really should have left about an hour and a half ago, but who's going to miss me.

"Seriously, I know you're a bear, I remember you're a bear, get up."

I roll back over. We get into a choppy back and forth about what he remembers. Have I always been this way? I must respect this friend for what he can tell me about myself, no matter how badly instinct wants to rip him limb from limb. It will pass. I will probably tell him a thing or two about himself one of these days when I can clean up my mental state. It is just nice to be in each other's company. In fact I can say a couple of things, I do not know many people who are as serene and respectful.

I get up, collect my backpack, borrow a sweatshirt, bid a fond farewell and hop in the car. I can't believe how tired I am. When I was an undergraduate I once read that driving while drowsy is worse than driving while drunk. I would consider my driving adventures between Charleston and Homer around midnight for the past few weeks to be living proof of this theory.

I start dialing, somebody, anybody be awake. Of course I know which friends are generally awake, which are hit or miss, and which, so help me God, if I call them in the middle of the night are going to curse me into oblivion at an unreasonably early hour in the morning. My fellow bears.

No one answers from the generally awake category, so I start the hit or miss. I feel bad about the possibility of waking someone who is enjoying a full 8 hours, so I stop. What a lonely feeling, driving down these roads, no other cars, no people, no one to talk to. Speeding. Occasionally swerving (to avoid possums of course).

I begin singing to myself to stay awake. "It's no-ones fault, it's nobody's fault, that I fell on you and you on me, that's what humans do, when they pass on through, but I think we can't, don't you? ...No of course you don't! Of course you don't! You say life is peachy without me! Of course you don't! Of course you don't! You say life is peachy without me..."

BOREDOM. That's what all of this running around has done to me, I am now bored whenever there is nothing happening. No one to talk to, nothing to do but go home and go to bed. I must re-learn the art of doing nothing. Quit stirring, quit stalking, do nothing. Shut off the computer, put up the phone, pick up a book, a crochet hook, anything... the only requirement is that it needs to be solitary. OK, the dogs can come, but no people. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but reaching for them so much is making me scarily dependent on attaining their attention for my happiness and peace of mind.

I need my own peace of mind.

On a Cold Autumn Night

It is so cold. My heater quit sometime during the night, so at 3:45am I get up to cover my dogs. Once they are "tucked in" I get into bed and begin building a nest of pillows and throw my sheets and comforter as far over my head as I can and curl into a tight ball. It is nights like this when I genuinely miss the feeling of someone beside me. Someone to curl around me, envelope me in love.

Tonight it is just me though. I have taken care of my own, and taken care of myself. For the first time since it all started, I can't say that I am blissful, but I am content. Life is a series of moments, ones that make us happy, and ones that make us miserable. I am glad that I have the memory of tenderness. I know I have to get over the moments that made me miserable to get to the next place in my life, but how hard should that have to be? How do you balance the moments of happiness with the moments of pain to realize what is best for you and do the right thing?

I know I am not done making mistakes, but I also know that I will never be done learning about myself, this world and these moments.