"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel...
...I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life"
-"Scars" Papa Roach
There are sides to these lyrics, just like there are to every word read and spoken. There are the words, there is the intent, there is the reception.
There is I never thought I would find myself where I am today. This isn't about to be sunshine and daisies, but it isn't damnation either. I just have this surreal feeling.
I have tried and pretended and false started, done everything I could to feel whole again. I have done what I thought I should do to make things right, I have collapsed and given up.
I have been angry at many people, and have accepted what has come to pass. I don't deserve all the blame for what has happened. My unwillingness to speak out on my own behalf is not at all a sign of defeat, and for all that I have been through silence hasn't ever been a white flag. There is a bunch of flux, followed by an all encompassing wall, followed by me. That wall is impenetrable, both by myself and absolutely for those around me. That is why all the world hears from me is silence. I scream at that wall, but no one hears anything. It has been all too easy for people to "take sides" once they think they know it all, but no one really does. The hardest part of this has been living with those half baked judgements. Even from the people who tried to feed my young idealism about "unconditional love". Circumstance, change, ultimatums and conditions.
What is love anyway? After divorce it seemed like some intangible, unattainable fairy tale. So do I believe love is unconditional and can last forever? No. That is way too easy. Calling it all love is too easy. Do I believe that simplicity can at times be a good thing? Of course. Will the way I feel change and I still call it love? Yes, but at least I know now to give it thought so that don't just spew it out without a thought, I will know what I really mean and what lies beneath. There are things that I have discovered now too that I didn't realize were important before, like chemistry and at least some mystery. Space.
Anyway, I'll get there. I am only now beginning to realize that there is no road map, and that I am not going to get left behind if I don't do things the "right" way. I just have to do them my way.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Exhaustion
This week has been absolutely draining. I don't think that I have been this tired since I was a college student working two jobs with an 18 hour course load.
I have registered for classes, attempted to make contact with or contacted almost every person with experience in counseling or education that I know, went to a counselor internship meeting at ACES, Interviewed with Lowes, studied for the GRE, sent out about 5 more applications and cover letters... I am a ridiculously busy girl for having so few commitments. I guess I am preparing myself for my re-entrance into the academic fold.
As it is looking now, next week is going to be pretty intense as well. My brain is practically humming... but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I have registered for classes, attempted to make contact with or contacted almost every person with experience in counseling or education that I know, went to a counselor internship meeting at ACES, Interviewed with Lowes, studied for the GRE, sent out about 5 more applications and cover letters... I am a ridiculously busy girl for having so few commitments. I guess I am preparing myself for my re-entrance into the academic fold.
As it is looking now, next week is going to be pretty intense as well. My brain is practically humming... but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Conductor
To dream of electricity, symbolizes vigor and life energy. You need to be revitalized. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you need to conserve your energy.
To dream of the countryside, suggests that you are seeking a simpler way of life. You need to take some time for yourself to relax and free your mind. Alternatively, it indicates a sense of freedom and/or openness that is lacking in your daily life.
To see green grass in your dream, suggests that there is a part of yourself that you can always rely on. The dream is also symbolic of natural protection. Also consider the phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side." Do you always compare yourself with others and look at what other people have?
To have a dream that takes place at night, represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. There are some issues in your life that you are facing, but are not too clear. You should put the issues aside so you can clear your head and come back to it later. Alternatively, night may be synonymous with death, rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings
To see stars in your dream, symbolize success, your aspirations and your high ideals. The stars indicate that you are putting some decision in the hands of fate and luck. Alternatively, the stars may signify your desire for fame and fortune.
To see light in your dream, represents illumination, clear mind, guidance, plain understanding, and insight. Light is being shed on a once cloudy situation or problem. You have found the truth to a situation or an answer to a problem. Also consider the color of the light for additional significance.
To see a bright light in your dream, indicates that you need to move toward a higher level of awareness and feeling. Bright light dreams are sometimes common for those who are near death.
To see a glow in your dream, symbolizes enlightenment and that new light has been shed onto a situation. You have gained a fresh perspective and reached a welcomed understanding.
To see a fence in your dream, signifies an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path. You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself. Are you feeling fenced in some situation or confined in some relationship? Alternatively, it may symbolize a need for privacy. You may want to shut off the rest of the world.
To dream that you are climbing to the top of a fence, denotes success. If you climb over the fence, then it indicates that you will accomplish your desires via not so legitimate means. If you dream that you are on the fence, then the dream may be a metaphor indicating that you undecided about something. To dream that you fall from a fence, denotes that you are in way over your head in regards to some project which you are incapable of dealing with.
www.dreammoods.com
To dream of the countryside, suggests that you are seeking a simpler way of life. You need to take some time for yourself to relax and free your mind. Alternatively, it indicates a sense of freedom and/or openness that is lacking in your daily life.
To see green grass in your dream, suggests that there is a part of yourself that you can always rely on. The dream is also symbolic of natural protection. Also consider the phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side." Do you always compare yourself with others and look at what other people have?
To have a dream that takes place at night, represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. There are some issues in your life that you are facing, but are not too clear. You should put the issues aside so you can clear your head and come back to it later. Alternatively, night may be synonymous with death, rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings
To see stars in your dream, symbolize success, your aspirations and your high ideals. The stars indicate that you are putting some decision in the hands of fate and luck. Alternatively, the stars may signify your desire for fame and fortune.
To see light in your dream, represents illumination, clear mind, guidance, plain understanding, and insight. Light is being shed on a once cloudy situation or problem. You have found the truth to a situation or an answer to a problem. Also consider the color of the light for additional significance.
To see a bright light in your dream, indicates that you need to move toward a higher level of awareness and feeling. Bright light dreams are sometimes common for those who are near death.
To see a glow in your dream, symbolizes enlightenment and that new light has been shed onto a situation. You have gained a fresh perspective and reached a welcomed understanding.
To see a fence in your dream, signifies an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path. You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself. Are you feeling fenced in some situation or confined in some relationship? Alternatively, it may symbolize a need for privacy. You may want to shut off the rest of the world.
To dream that you are climbing to the top of a fence, denotes success. If you climb over the fence, then it indicates that you will accomplish your desires via not so legitimate means. If you dream that you are on the fence, then the dream may be a metaphor indicating that you undecided about something. To dream that you fall from a fence, denotes that you are in way over your head in regards to some project which you are incapable of dealing with.
www.dreammoods.com
Monday, June 1, 2009
No One Knows
I'm going to state the obvious which is that I haven't been blogging much lately. Where has my strength, confidence and resolve gone? How and when do people learn to get over the hurts in their lives? When can they talk about it? Who will listen? What happens if there is no one there?
I just don't feel like I have much to say these days, I have been trying hard to get back up on my feet. It's like an obstacle course that I can't see the end of, and some parts are harder than others.
I just don't feel like I have much to say these days, I have been trying hard to get back up on my feet. It's like an obstacle course that I can't see the end of, and some parts are harder than others.
Friday, May 8, 2009
...And So It Goes
Just a little update--
I have slowing been working my way through 20 Something, 20 Everything, right now I am at the part where I am supposed to start evaluating the role models I have had in my life and start getting in touch with people that I look up to. Sometimes it's hard to press on with it because I don't have much energy for social(ish) pursuits when I am working midnights for 8 days at a time. I feel like my life gets put on hold sometimes, but I don't really have a choice right now.
Despite my exhaustion I have reconnected with some of my friends. I spoke with my best friend Katy for the first time in months, and even though I was nervous, it was marvelous. I missed her so much. I also called my friend Michele here, and she pretty much said "whatever, when are we gonna hang out?". When did I get so lucky?
I had an appointment with Sandy Spencer on Thursday morning at the Parkland Career Center, and think I may have come up with a plan/path. The AMA offers an HR certificate program, 6 courses over the course of a year. I love people, I love planning, and when I think about my very favorite parts of getting my degree in Health Studies, a big part of my happiness was human resource related. Taking on leadership roles, being a resource person, and supporting and assisting people in fine tuning their skills and playing up their natural talent, training... I like the snapshot that I have in my mind of what this could become for me. As a short term goal it is very appealing, and I think it would get me some great experience and an enjoyable position while I continue to mull over what kind of education I would drop some major clams on (as far as my graduate degree).
On a side bar, I am applying to a few different positions in the YMCA, most notably one in Savannah, GA. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but it would be pretty perfect for me. I love it there.
Well, the weather is nasty here and I have my heart set on feeling cute today, so I am going to go attempt to straighten my hair and slap some make-up on. Michele and I are going out later this afternoon and it is painful for me to even window shop when I feel like a ragamuffin. Onward!
I have slowing been working my way through 20 Something, 20 Everything, right now I am at the part where I am supposed to start evaluating the role models I have had in my life and start getting in touch with people that I look up to. Sometimes it's hard to press on with it because I don't have much energy for social(ish) pursuits when I am working midnights for 8 days at a time. I feel like my life gets put on hold sometimes, but I don't really have a choice right now.
Despite my exhaustion I have reconnected with some of my friends. I spoke with my best friend Katy for the first time in months, and even though I was nervous, it was marvelous. I missed her so much. I also called my friend Michele here, and she pretty much said "whatever, when are we gonna hang out?". When did I get so lucky?
I had an appointment with Sandy Spencer on Thursday morning at the Parkland Career Center, and think I may have come up with a plan/path. The AMA offers an HR certificate program, 6 courses over the course of a year. I love people, I love planning, and when I think about my very favorite parts of getting my degree in Health Studies, a big part of my happiness was human resource related. Taking on leadership roles, being a resource person, and supporting and assisting people in fine tuning their skills and playing up their natural talent, training... I like the snapshot that I have in my mind of what this could become for me. As a short term goal it is very appealing, and I think it would get me some great experience and an enjoyable position while I continue to mull over what kind of education I would drop some major clams on (as far as my graduate degree).
On a side bar, I am applying to a few different positions in the YMCA, most notably one in Savannah, GA. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but it would be pretty perfect for me. I love it there.
Well, the weather is nasty here and I have my heart set on feeling cute today, so I am going to go attempt to straighten my hair and slap some make-up on. Michele and I are going out later this afternoon and it is painful for me to even window shop when I feel like a ragamuffin. Onward!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Where do I even begin?
I don't know where the discontinuity in my behavior began, but as has been my pattern it almost destroyed me again. So I have a plan. I have cried. I have vented. I made a mental pro and con list to an irreversible idea (it lost). I am still really, really hurting, but I think that the thing I am the most hurt about is how much of my life I gave up. I gave up friends, pets, education, money, a job, a few years, my happiness, my wholeness. I am not in the mood to sort it out or blame anyone, because as with many things in life, it started with me. Now everything but me has come to an end in a way that I am about as sure of as how everything began (which is not very). The point is that I am single, and I am developing a plan. It seems simple, and I hope beyond hope that it works, but I am not sure how to do it... will it be slow or fast? easy or hard? Will I really begin to change or am I pipe dreaming?
I want my friends back. I am so lonely right now, and yet where the hell have I been?? I have spent every available moment pining for attention from one person, gleening everything I could from flashes of happiness and togetherness, so much that I neglected the people who MEAN THE MOST TO ME. I miss my friends, and I have been missing them, but I have let so much time pass, and have done so much flaking. I'm scared. I hope that I can gain them back.
I want to know myself. I want to spend time alone, I want to write, I want to play, I want to be a nerd and start re-reading 20 Everything. I want to read in general! I want to gain confidence. I remember how it feels to a degree... being able to go do things alone, to modify my appearance and not care what other people thought, to wear my funky clothes and my funky make-up and be funky, weirdo, me. I want to walk in the woods and try to avoid stepping on the flowers, I want to fish, I want to camp, I want to float and I want to swim. (I just don't want to drag my knee across the bottom, huh Chuck 'n Joe? heehee) I want to be the chameleon-y, eclectic, quirky person that I am.
I want to learn something new, or just learn to do some things better (kinda ties into my self confidence). I'm not saying I'll make it back this semester, but I have to try to muster the courage to go for my MPH. As my mentor and EIU "father" Eric pointed out to me, the U of I has a program now. I've tried to push myself in the past and ended up losing my steam, but someday soon I am going to go back. I can't do what I am doing for the rest of my life.
I have overwhelmed myself in the past trying to struggle to paste a smile on my face, so I guess I can answer my own question in a way, it will be a little slow. I am never going to comprimise me to be us ever again. So like it, love it, or hit the road. I am not the type to be selfish in relationships and think I have a lot to offer, but I have things that I need to be fulfilled in a relationship too... and I need to draw the line somewhere.
I don't know where the discontinuity in my behavior began, but as has been my pattern it almost destroyed me again. So I have a plan. I have cried. I have vented. I made a mental pro and con list to an irreversible idea (it lost). I am still really, really hurting, but I think that the thing I am the most hurt about is how much of my life I gave up. I gave up friends, pets, education, money, a job, a few years, my happiness, my wholeness. I am not in the mood to sort it out or blame anyone, because as with many things in life, it started with me. Now everything but me has come to an end in a way that I am about as sure of as how everything began (which is not very). The point is that I am single, and I am developing a plan. It seems simple, and I hope beyond hope that it works, but I am not sure how to do it... will it be slow or fast? easy or hard? Will I really begin to change or am I pipe dreaming?
I want my friends back. I am so lonely right now, and yet where the hell have I been?? I have spent every available moment pining for attention from one person, gleening everything I could from flashes of happiness and togetherness, so much that I neglected the people who MEAN THE MOST TO ME. I miss my friends, and I have been missing them, but I have let so much time pass, and have done so much flaking. I'm scared. I hope that I can gain them back.
I want to know myself. I want to spend time alone, I want to write, I want to play, I want to be a nerd and start re-reading 20 Everything. I want to read in general! I want to gain confidence. I remember how it feels to a degree... being able to go do things alone, to modify my appearance and not care what other people thought, to wear my funky clothes and my funky make-up and be funky, weirdo, me. I want to walk in the woods and try to avoid stepping on the flowers, I want to fish, I want to camp, I want to float and I want to swim. (I just don't want to drag my knee across the bottom, huh Chuck 'n Joe? heehee) I want to be the chameleon-y, eclectic, quirky person that I am.
I want to learn something new, or just learn to do some things better (kinda ties into my self confidence). I'm not saying I'll make it back this semester, but I have to try to muster the courage to go for my MPH. As my mentor and EIU "father" Eric pointed out to me, the U of I has a program now. I've tried to push myself in the past and ended up losing my steam, but someday soon I am going to go back. I can't do what I am doing for the rest of my life.
I have overwhelmed myself in the past trying to struggle to paste a smile on my face, so I guess I can answer my own question in a way, it will be a little slow. I am never going to comprimise me to be us ever again. So like it, love it, or hit the road. I am not the type to be selfish in relationships and think I have a lot to offer, but I have things that I need to be fulfilled in a relationship too... and I need to draw the line somewhere.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Flowers
I usually can't wait until spring. It's the only time I'm guaranteed to get flowers.
In these exhausted states that my job creates I have become full of epiphanies, and although when I am working I rarely get the chance to write them down, right now I've captured one.
I have always been someone who is mindful of the fact that no one is going to feel sorry for me, no one owes me anything and that I do not deserve anything more than what I can procure for myself. I still believe these things, but isn't part of caring for and loving someone to provide support, and make a solid attempt at giving them as much if not more than what they deserve? I've been through a lot of difficult stuff lately. I feel like I have so much to give and that I do give in love, and in return I feel bitterly unsupported and for the most part unloved. Again though, I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me.
However, today I bought myself two stems of mini roses. One peach, one yellow, my favorites. Since I can't expect that anyone know how to support me, I've got to start doing it myself. I am not much on material possessions, but having them around already feels good. I just hope that the feeling lasts longer than the lives of the roses.
In these exhausted states that my job creates I have become full of epiphanies, and although when I am working I rarely get the chance to write them down, right now I've captured one.
I have always been someone who is mindful of the fact that no one is going to feel sorry for me, no one owes me anything and that I do not deserve anything more than what I can procure for myself. I still believe these things, but isn't part of caring for and loving someone to provide support, and make a solid attempt at giving them as much if not more than what they deserve? I've been through a lot of difficult stuff lately. I feel like I have so much to give and that I do give in love, and in return I feel bitterly unsupported and for the most part unloved. Again though, I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me.
However, today I bought myself two stems of mini roses. One peach, one yellow, my favorites. Since I can't expect that anyone know how to support me, I've got to start doing it myself. I am not much on material possessions, but having them around already feels good. I just hope that the feeling lasts longer than the lives of the roses.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
